Nancy and I have been married 48+ years. Like any marriage, we have had our series of ups and downs, conflicts and resolutions, joy, and pain. From early on in our marriage, we realized that a marriage is always going one of two directions: either forward or backward. It never stays in the same spot.
So, we committed to make our marriage our number one priority in life outside of our relationship with God. To accomplish that, we have attended countless marriage conferences, read books on marriage, and sought to teach others what we were learning. This page is a compilation of some of the best advice we have gleaned from various sources over our 48+ years of marriage.
Thoughts on Marriage in General
- Your spouse is not your enemy. Your marriage has an enemy (Satan) whose goal is to destroy your marriage.
- Don’t take anything your spouse says personally.
- Your spouse will have bad days, be quick to forgive and extend God’s grace.
- Your marriage needs to be your number one priority second only to your relationship with God. Consequently, you need to schedule a weekly date night with your spouse and be regularly involved in a small group that focuses on marriage.
- Before marriage, Satan’s goal is to get you in bed together. After marriage, Satan’s goal is to keep you out of bed together. Prioritize a regular sex life.
- Center your marriage around your relationship with Jesus. Pray together daily and share time in God’s Word together regularly.
- Remove the word “divorce” from your vocabulary. This means that word is never mentioned or brought up at any time in your relationship (unless there is abuse in that relationship).
- Marriage was not created to make you happy. Your spouse cannot make you happy. Happiness is something you have inside you that you bring into a marriage. Happiness is not something that comes as a result of marriage. The purpose of marriage is to become holy, to become more like Jesus in our character and to reflect the relationship between Jesus and His church (Ephesians 5:31,32)
- You cannot change your spouse or any other person. The only person you can change in a relationship is yourself.
Thoughts for Husbands
Your wife needs you to love her unconditionally.
You can show her that unconditional love by:
- holding her hand
- spending focused time with her
- dating her, hugging her
- communicating with her about your day
- sharing your feelings
- listening to her rather than trying to fix her problems
- apologize and admit when you are wrong
- treat her as a queen
- tell her daily that you love her
- tell her regularly how beautiful she is
- don’t say anything negative to her or about her to anyone else
- praise her in front of others
- seek to live in harmony and peace with her
- ask her,” What do you need from me right now?”
Your wife needs to know that she is a higher priority in your life than your job, hobbies, video games, or anything else. She is the queen of your life and house, treat her like you would treat a queen.
Thoughts for Wives
Your husband needs to know that you respect him unconditionally.
He wants you to be his biggest cheerleader, not his biggest critic.
You can show your husband unconditional respect by:
- telling him how much you appreciate his willingness to provide for and protect you
- listen to him without criticizing or correcting him
- let him provide leadership in your home and seek to cooperate with him in allowing him to lead
- forgive him for his mistakes and encourage him in his efforts
- seek peace and harmony with him
- accompany him in his recreational/leisure activities (you can just watch him if you don’t want to participate)
- realize that sex is the same emotional release for him that talking is for you
- regularly tell him how proud you are of him
- don’t say anything negative to him or about him to anyone else.
- respect his judgment, knowledge, opinions, decisions
- verbally support him and affirm his ability to do whatever task is at hand
- praise him for his attempts and accomplishments
Statistics show that men have affairs not because of the sex, but because the person they have the affair with is being a cheerleader and offering encouragement and support to them that they are not finding in their relationship at home.
Your relationship with your husband needs to be a higher priority in your life than your children, job, or anything else. Your children will grow up and leave your home. Your relationship with your husband is the one relationship that will continue. Cultivate that relationship.